I am really bad at waiting. Anyone who knows me well would tell you that patience is not one of my strengths. I have a really hard time just sitting back and letting things unfold versus pushing them along. This wait to head up to the hospital is making me absolutely crazy. I'm ready to get this over with. My anxiety level is through the roof today and the last couple of days. It's not fear of having the surgery, but there are a lot of unknowns I'm going to have to tackle head-long and I am freaking out a little bit.
This anxiety problem is compounded by a lack of running. Yesterday I attempted my first run since Saturday and it did not go well at all. I've had a nagging pain in my low left calf for a couple of weeks and last night it was just too much to ignore. With my planned half-marathon run this Saturday, I see no need to push through it. So...no more running until Saturday which rules out a major source of stress relief. Instead I've been filling my days with episode after episode of The Office which I would normally watch while on the treadmill.
I'm still struggling with my food issues, but I had a bit of an epiphany at my Weight Watchers meeting last night. It's partly the stress and anxiety that has me reaching for food, but I think the bigger thing is fear of failure and what it means. This is not the first time in my life that I've attempted to lose weight. I've had some success in the past, but I've never made it to my goal weight (or even what I would call relatively close). Now I have to do it. Once I have this first surgery then I'm locked in. If I ever want a chance at the j-pouch, I need to lose fifty more pounds. It's no longer just to buy cute clothes, feel better, or run a bit faster. It's about regaining the choice of how my body handles one of its most basic functions. That's freaking huge, people. And it has me freaked out to say the least. I am trying to get a grip on it though. I keep reminding myself that I was already well on my way with this journey (half way to goal to be exact!). I keep telling myself that it's the same road, the same vehicle, the same driver...all I have to do is keep moving in my same direction. I can do it. I have to do it. I will do it.
I think tomorrow I will start packing my bag for the hospital. I have kind of a mental list going, but I think actually getting some of the stuff in the bag will help me feel less anxious because once it's in there, I can quit reminding myself that I need to take it with me (whatever it might be). My oldest is out of preschool on Friday and has requested we go to a "squirrel feeder store" to buy a squirrel feeder to put on the tree in our front yard. He also wants to go to a restaurant for lunch. So tomorrow will be my best chance to get the bulk of my packing done and out of the way.
My hope is that someday someone with UC will be reading this blog as they are considering surgery. Thinking about that person is what kept me quiet the last day or so. I knew I was freaking out but I wasn't sure I wanted to admit it and write about it. I finally decided that it's better to be real and put it out there. I know this is not the last time that some part of this is going to suck and I'll have to share it anyway. It's the reality and that is what I want people to know. So to you, future UC sufferer and blog reader: I will be ok and so will you. I just know it.